I’d like to announce my Unconstitutional Candidacy for President of the United States of America.
Dear Citizens of the United States of America,
Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jefferson Thomas Freeman, and I’d like to be You the People’s next President of the United States of America. I must first disclose that I am not in fact old enough to be President of the United States of America as I am only 30 years old. However, I think the ageism in Our Constitution has gone on long enough, and I, a person, must question the wisdom of the age limit contained in our sacred, binding parchment. Fortunately for me, the Senate of the United States of America has left the Federal Election Commission without a quorum, so while my candidacy may be unconstitutional, the Federal Government procedurally can do nothing to stop me. Unfortunately for you, there is no other choice but for You the People to elect me in November, let me explain.
Our system of self-governance is under attack. The Deep State says it’s Russia, and the Orange State says it’s Ukraine. I don’t really care who is disrupting our elections, but it’s unamerican to do nothing as a people. That’s why the New Whig Party has chosen me as their candidate for President. The New Whigs only run write-in candidates and write-in votes are the only way to safeguard our election system in 2020. We can no longer trust the machines to count, sort, or take our votes seriously as the machines are not as secure as our pens. It’s not the voting that’s democracy; it’s the counting. You can trust a pen; a pen says exactly what your hand wants it to. Besides, America needs a New Whig.
The New Whig Party reappears only when America needs to reaffirm its ideals, and we think now is the time to do so. As one of the Refounding Step-Nephews of our great nation, I have conferred with the ghosts of the Founding Fathers, and they agree that sometimes citizens need to disagree with Their Constitution. In fact, that is why they Amended the Constitution with Freedom of Speech first. When everything is going wrong, the first thing the people need to do is say so.
Well, I’d like to be the first of the Refounding Step-Nephews to say that I think we are on the wrong path as a nation. All of us. In fact, I think many of you already agree with me for a myriad of reasons. In order for me to evolve into a Refounding Father, it is my duty to offer a new path for us. I’d like to get off the road we are on rather than continue spinning our wheels between reverse, drive, and overdrive.
My platform is simple. We need to solve the upcoming oxygen crisis. These forest fires everywhere around the globe threaten to suck up all the oxygen, leaving us with only CO2 and few trees to remake more oxygen. I don’t think anyone has the guts to put words to the truth we are all feeling. That this could be the beginning of the end of our earth. The balance of life on earth has been unsettled, and we do not know what will happen to us as the changes in our biosphere accelerate. Our climate models, which are already outdated considering the recent fires, predict a sort of death spiral where, among other things, wildfires become increasingly uncontrollable. My platform is simple: The United States of America will drastically shift its focus from making unending profits for the entitled ultra-elite to saving the earth for all of us. But, don’t worry; there is plenty of money for everyone in saving the world. Just ask any non-profit.
Anyway, I am not the best person to solve this impending crisis, but I at least truly want to. I want to leave behind a better world than the one we find ourselves in. And, so, I humbly ask You the People to fight ageism, break the constitution, write Jefferson Thomas Freeman on a piece of paper, and turn it in to your voting precinct in November. If I am indicted for violating Federal Election Law by running as an underage candidate, I just hope the ACLU will help me defend my freedom of speech from obvious political prosecution.
Jefferson Thomas Freeman
Underage Candidate for President of the United States of America 2020
P.S. I don’t plan of hanging myself in my jail cell either.