Maybe, it’s just me.

Jefferson Thomas Freeman
15 min readOct 23, 2018

The sun seems wrong today, an open letter to all of us.

Doesn’t it look more orange than it used to?

Dear Everyone

. . . Why don’t we start letters with “Dear” anymore? I feel like that’s how I was taught when I was a kid, but it feels weird to write ‘Dear ____’ these days. It kinda feels weird to even say dear. Dear. . . Deeear. . . Dear. . .

. . . Dear Jefferson,
We have this incredible credit card offer that you would be an idiot to pass up on. Don’t you want another credit card?!

. . . Dear Mr. Freeman,
We regret to inform you that your application has been. . .

I don’t know.
I usually stop reading after I see the word “Dear”.
It seems like sincerity might be suspicious these days.

Dear Everyone,
It just seems like the sun looks different recently,
He looks more orange than usual.
Maybe it’s just me.

Nevermind, maybe it’s just a joke.

I don’t know.
I just think he looks more orange than he used to.
It might be a joke, but everything is starting to look more orange because of him.
I don’t know. It’s just lately, it feels like everything is either True or a Joke. And, this whole sun thing has made it harder to figure out which.
It’s starting to make everything feel just, wrong.

It seems like this different sun has revealed what They thought all along. I am not sure if he created Them or just gave Them a voice, but I think They are starting to lose Their grip on reality. It’s like They don’t care about anyone else’s future. They only care about Their own present.

I think They just miss Their Old White Sun. Which is crazy because He was just as much of a lying ball of hot gas as this New Orange Sun.
But how can They not see that this new Sun is lying to Them. It’s like they are losing their grip on reality under of His Orange Light.
I can’t figure it out.

I remember when all this first started. I thought it was hilarious too. I thought we would all be laughing together about this Orange sun when it went away in a year.
But I started hearing about Them, little by little.

“I like the Orange Sun. He tells it like it is.”
“I think we need a little change, maybe the Orange light will be brighter.”

I remember thinking They must be joking too, that I just didn’t enjoy their version of sarcasm. I thought surely we both realize this is crazy, and surely they will be serious by the time the Winter Solstice came. So I didn’t take Them seriously, because I trusted them to take the future seriously.
I guess, it wasn’t a Joke for Them.
They viewed the lies and falsehood of the Orange Sun as gospel.

So I thought I had to disagree. I thought surely if I just pointed out the falsehoods that they would realize the err of Their ways.
It seems like my disagreement only emboldened Them.

Now, They want us all to just accept the new Orange light. They want us all to just forget that it wasn’t always like this.
And now it doesn’t quite feel like a joke, it feels different.
It all feels very serious, yet sometimes, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Everything feels so serious now yet no one seems to be taking anything seriously.
Doesn’t anyone see where They’re leading us?
Doesn’t anyone realize that taking his lies and falsehoods seriously is a problem for the future too.
Eventually we will forget what a sun that’s not orange looks like, and I’m not a big fan of orange.
Am I overreacting or is this still just a joke we’re all sharing?
Maybe, it’s just me.

It’s like They have a different set of facts recently.

Doesn’t it feel like They just have a different set of facts now. Like no matter how long you discuss something with Them that you’re never going to find middle ground because They listen to a different sun. And, Their sun says nothing but lies so it makes it feel like They have no grounding in reality.

I think They have forgotten that the Sun hasn’t always been Orange.
That’s why They are acting like he’s going to be Orange forever.

It frustrates me to the point where I just don’t even want to talk about some things. Especially when They are around.
It’s like no matter what I say They will just just find a version of facts somewhere to counter what I say. Like, how do I argue with Their internet? How do I disagree with a different version of Reality?

I don’t even want to disagree with them, I want to reject Their questions.
I don’t know.

I do have a hypothesis for why it feels like this tho.
Well a hypothesis for how this New Orange Sun spread his lies so far and wide.

I think we have invented a new medium of storytelling that makes it hard for Them to separate fact from fiction. I think the internet spreads out the elements of his story so far and wide that it makes it hard to find the pieces in order to dispel the Falsehoods. The endless river of nonsense coming from this Sun gets dropped into the fast moving torrent of the internet. And we all know Bullshit spreads faster when it’s wet.

I mean the internet is a wonderful thing.
I’m a big fan of it.
But the way They are using it. . .
Supporting the Orange Sun’s agenda?
I don’t know.

You know, I hate the word ‘thing’.
It’s vagueness often obfuscates the truth.
But, what else is the internet? It’s more than just a series of servers and wires and tubes (or so I’ve heard). I like to think of it as humanity’s collective consciousness.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just lonely.
Sometimes I just ask the internet random things. Half the time it’s almost like I am trying to stump it. Or even prove it wrong.

“Hey Google! What is this?”
“Hey Facebook! Who was the person I knew in elementary school and what are they doing now? You know… that person…?”
“Hey Myspace! Are you okay?”
“Hey Wikipedia! What was that thing that happened?”
“Hey Reddit! I want a real person’s opinion on this.”
“Hey Amazon! Can I have this? I need it as soon as you can get it to me.”
“Hey IMDB! Who is that actress from that movie about that person who does that thing?”
“Hey Alexa! What’s the weather tomorrow?”
“Hey Youtube! How do I make bread, and can you help me fix this thing?”
“Hey Netflix! What’s a show I would like? What about a movie?”
“Hey Spotify! Do you know a song that I might like?”
“Hey Pandora! Do you know a radio station I might like? I’m tired of choosing songs, ugh it’s so much work.”
“Hey Buzzfeed! I’m bored, entertain me. Also, what kind of Owl would I be?”
“Hey Instagram! What did my friends do this past weekend?”
“Hey Snapchat! What are my friends doing right now?”
“Hey Pornhub! . . . uh . . . Nevermind, I guess you . . . already . . . know what I’m looking for?”

I love that the internet always knows just what I am looking for.
I love how the places I go alone aren’t lonely. It seems no matter where I go on the internet I find people who are looking for the same things as me.
I love that.

I love that I never feel like I am alone when I have a strange thought. I can explore any curiosity I have anytime, anywhere. And no matter what that curiosity is I am pretty sure I won’t be alone. It’s nice when my ideas are validated by others.
. . . Is that also just me?
I guess I love selection bias. Well, maybe not love it, but it certainly feels good, and gives me a place to discuss some of these ideas I have.
And the thing is even when I’m not validated in my beliefs I can at least find someone who will disagree with me. Which is validating in it’s own way.

But why are these lonely places not lonely. How do we seem to find each other in every place but nowhere simultaneously?
It seems like we’ve all staked out our own little corner of the internet. We’re all on the internet but our little corner of the internet might only make sense to us. Some jokes we share with the internet would be hard to actually explain to anyone. Yet alone try to explain it to Them.
…especially because a lot of our jokes are about Them.
I don’t know, I still kind of feel bad about some of our jokes.
Their internet is just seems so toxic.
They just make me so angry I don’t know how else to respond.
Maybe it’s just me.

Am I just talking to myself?

I’ve found that my internet will provide me with any answer I want if I just ask for it. I think my internet turns my internal monologue into a dialogue. It’s like our collective consciousness will respond to any thought you tell it. Even when you aren’t looking for a response it often answers anyway.

“This mattress will change sleep forever!”

“I don’t always sleep perfectly!? I want one now! how fast can you ship it to me?” . . . “Aww fuck it’s not a store, it’s kickstarter”

Having your mind read is nice until it becomes too obvious. I like when people know what I’m trying to say before I have to explain it to them. I guess sometimes I am too lazy to accept the onus of a conversation. Monologues get boring, so I enjoy how the internet validates my ideas.

The internet will give you content to validate any idea you want for free. If you’re interested there is endless content and endless conversation about any topic you can dream of. It can validate even your craziest ideas. It’s wonderful.

But what about when we have sad or scary thoughts. What about when we are looking to be cheered up or reassured but we ask the internet the wrong question?
What do we do when the answer we are given for the question we didn’t mean to ask validates all of our horrible thoughts?

Rationally, we know that not everything we read is true, but what about when we start reading the same thing everywhere. What happens when we want our deepest fears and insecurities to be allayed but instead They just answer that we don’t understand. That we need to let their truth become our truth. If we just accepted the Orange Sun we’d feel better. What happens when instead of answering They reject our question?

Well at least for me, when They start reminding me of my anxieties I get a little anxious. When every screen in my life starts showing me my deepest fears I get scared. And when They start making me feel more alone, rather than more understood, I believe Them.

Suddenly I realized that even when I asked the mirror how I looked it would respond by telling me I was wrong to even ask.

Actually, my mirror refused to even answer. It would disagree with the question. It’s hard to know how to get out of a rut when you can’t even ask yourself for help. It’s not great when even the mirror disagrees with you.
It’s hard to unfuck yourself when you’re the one saying ‘Fuck you’.

It’s like in exchange for the wonderful ideas I get to explore on the internet I am forced to explore my insecurities too. It’s like I sold my soul for validation, and the joke is that my internet validates both my good and my bad thoughts equally. Maybe it’s just me, but when I have bad thoughts I have trouble not letting Them validate my insecurities. I let Them get to me. I let Them make me upset.

Sometimes when I get upset I just need a distraction.
But, most of the time when I get upset, I retreat to my place on the internet where it feels like everyone agrees with me and nobody knows my name.
I guess sometimes I don’t necessarily want the truth, I just need an analgesic from someone I trust.

Or at least that’s how I want my internet to feel. I want it to feel judgment free. I want it to feel like even if I am being lied to that It’s just because everyone knows I need to be told it’s going to be okay. I want it to be my safe-space where I can say anything and be sure that even if I am misunderstood at least everyone will know that my intentions are good.

I’ve tried to share my internet with people but I don’t get the feeling it’s the same for them.
Like how do I explain all the little inside jokes that make my internet so nice.
Sometimes They take it so seriously.
Sometimes I worry They want my internet to disappear.
Sometimes I worry if They had Their way I would be in a lot of trouble.
Is that crazy to worry about?

Maybe it’s just me.

Does anyone know who I really am?

Sometimes I wonder about privacy. It seems like if something you’re trying to hide becomes public it can ruin you. I don’t know that I even have anything to hide so I am not sure why I am nervous. But, sometimes the way I remember things isn’t the way it actually happened. And sometimes the way They remember things isn’t the way I remember things. I guess things look differently in Orange light.

And all of my memories are myopic because all of my memories are from my point of view. As often as I am misunderstood now, I can’t be sure I wasn’t misunderstood then. I hope no one took anything I said seriously.

I was usually just trying to make a joke because I didn’t know what else to say.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not great at talking to people in general.
I always find my mind drifting to whatever is going unmentioned at that moment.
And I usually end up mentioning it.
Sorry about that.
Maybe it was just me feeling insecure.

Is that why is everyone is so upset right now?

Sorry about that.
I have a feeling it’s my fault.
I have a feeling that my bad behavior is why everyone is so upset.
My tendency to run away from anything or anyone that challenges my beliefs can’t be good.
My tendency to get upset over people who just can’t see things from my point of view can’t be good.
My tendency to make a joke rather than actually dealing with uncomfortable realities can’t be good in the long run.
I don’t know.
I am not sure why it makes me so upset when They disagree with me. Maybe it’s because I know all the people I care about who would be hurt by what They think, especially if what They say is reflected in what They are going to do.

If only They could see things from my point of view.
If only They could understand how what They are saying is making me feel.
If only I could show them how I arrived at my opinion.

. . .

I guess I am not sure how I arrived at my opinion.
My opinions are a culmination of everything that has happened to me in my life. I am not sure I could ever explain my experiences to Them properly. Especially since Their experiences are so much different than mine.

I want to understand Their experiences but it’s hard for me. It’s hard to imagine myself through their eyes because, I am not sure seeing things through their eyes is enough for me to understand. I don’t think merely switching eyes would make me forget the Old Sun, or let me rid myself of hope for a better Sun.

What can I say that will change Their opinion?
Because I know there’s nothing They can say that would change mine.
I don’t know.

It just seems like They get so mad when you tell them Their sun is wrong these days. And to a lot of people it seems like Their internet is Their sun.
I know I don’t know how to disagree with the Sun. The Sun is The Sun.
I mean how do you disagree with something so large.
I mean how do you disagree with a belief.
How do you find compromise when we believe a different Sun. How do I show Them that what They think isn’t a fact it’s just a belief.
Fuck…maybe it’s just me.

Is that why it’s called a ‘change of heart’?

I think They should admit Their opinions aren’t based solely on facts.
Maybe They’re a little emotional right now.
I think we can both agree that emotions affect opinions just as much as facts.
That must be why it’s called a ‘change of heart’ not a ‘change of brain’.

Most times I have changed my opinion have been because someone touched my heart not because They touched my brain. And if They touched my heart, even if we still disagreed at the end I was usually okay with remaining there with Them.

I think that’s why the internet can be so comforting.
I think that’s why the internet can be so upsetting.

The internet is so good at validating our ideas because it gives us emotional validation at the same time as it provides us with what we believe are facts. It shows us we aren’t alone with these wonderful and horrible thoughts. We open our hearts to the internet, so when it tells us what we want to hear we are liable to to believe it. But, it feels like we are getting further away from Them while we lose touch with each other.

I think we’ve forgotten how to compromise.
We are so sure our corner of the internet is correct that anyone who disagrees with us must be wrong because after all we aren’t alone in our corner of the internet.

“Look at all these people who agree with me!? How can I be wrong?”

I don’t know.
I don’t know how to teach compromise. I just know how to disagree. I feel like the only way I am going to think differently about Them is we share a good cry or a good laugh together. Maybe then They will see his lies. And, maybe I’m just insecure, but I don’t like sharing my tears with most people, so I’d prefer if we could share a joke.

Maybe that’s just me.

But, some Jokes are True.

I think we’ve always told Jokes we don’t understand. I remember as a kid sometimes I would share jokes with my friends that were just about a word sounding weird.

“Deeear Jefferson”

I remember growing up how we always made fun of the adults. It was so funny when They didn’t understand our jokes. Like how do these idiots not get how funny this is.

“Shit . . . now we’re in trouble.”

Then when I got a job we would keep things from the managers because it was more fun when we shared a joke that They didn’t know about. I don’t know, when They tried to join in our joke it would lose its luster.

“Could you be a doll and rotate and then print this PDF? ASAP, Thanks!”

. . .But, on the internet I feel like I can share a joke with everyone.

Like have you heard about the moths?
I don’t even know why I find it so funny.
But I glad you do too.

Do we really understand these jokes the internet is telling us, is it just nonsense, or are we all just agreeing to share a joke? Because even if it is nonsense, if we all agree on it, or disagree with it, doesn’t that make the it true?
Maybe it’s just me.

Maybe it’s just me.

I guess I shouldn’t assume. In trying to explain myself I made a lot of assumptions.
I’m sorry for what I said about you.
And if you feel like Them, I am sorry for what I said about Them.
I was just trying to make a joke.

I thought that even if we couldn’t agree on anything else, that we might be able to agree that the sun was wrong. At least the moths would agree with us.
And even if we couldn’t agree, I was hoping we could agree it’s a good joke.

I don’t know.
The sun does kind of look wrong to me recently.
I just thought it was less Orange before.

“Dear Sun,

I’m sorry to inform you that you are too Orange today.”

Because if it’s not a Joke, it must be True.

Maybe it’s just me.
Maybe I’m not writing to everyone.
Maybe I should try to write this from Their perspective instead.

But then again,
Maybe I’m just a romantic.

I believe no matter how much we disagree, we feel more in common than we might realize. I thought we could at least agree He’s a Joke, I guess I was wrong.

Maybe that’s what I’ll do next time I can’t find common ground with Them; Next time I get angry, I am just going to tell Them Their sun is wrong. Because even if we can’t agree on a Sun, hopefully we can agree it’s a good joke.

I guess I just believe that laughing is the only way to Unfuck Yourself.


Filename: TheSunIsWrong.Beginning



Jefferson Thomas Freeman

Perpetual Anti-Candidate for President of the United States of America.